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How to Hex Your Online Artist Profile

Including Instagram, Facebook, Social Media

A quick course in how to get nowhere fast on social media. Unfortunately, I've seen them all:

* Make sure your username has as little to do with your real name as possible. That way, people will have a harder time finding you.

* If you have a common name, don't add any words like "art", "artist", "painter", "sculptor", etc. either at the end or the beginning of your name to help identify yourself. That way you force people to click on everyone who has the same name you do. If you're lucky, they'll give up clicking before they find you.

* Stop updating your website and focus only on social media.

* Delete all social media pages on sites that are no longer trendy, no matter how long you've had them or how much information and images they contain.

* Don't put your social media links on your website.

* Don't put a link to your website on your social media pages.

* Talk about yourself and your art whenever possible in other people's discussion threads, when liking or commenting on other people's images or photos, when responding to invitations, etc.

* Whenever possible, post images of your art on other people's social media pages.

* Follow someone just long enough to direct message them about either buying your art or doing you a favor. If you don't get what you want, immediately unfollow them.

* Tag people you don't know or have never met when posting images of your art, invitations to your shows, etc. The more you do this, the better.

* Repeatedly follow and unfollow someone's page to make sure they see your name over and over and over again.

* As soon as someone friends or follows you, send them a generic email, message or other communication that looks like you send it to everyone you've ever met.

* Make sure your posts are as confusing, random and disorganized as possible.

* Post as infrequently as possible.

* Only use hashtags that have over 100,000,000 posts.

* When you post, add at least 20 hashtags and nothing else.

* Post plenty of images and links that have nothing to do with your art.

* Only post images of your art, preferably cropped and with no descriptions or explanations.

* When posting images of your art, only say things like, "My art", "My latest art", "New art", etc.

* When posting images of your art, never include size, medium, title, or any other information that will help viewers understand or appreciate it.

* No matter how badly you want to sell your art, never say it's for sale or post prices. That way, they'll have no idea whether they can afford your art or whether it's even for sale in the first place.

* Only quote prices to people who email or message you and ask. Better yet, instead of giving the price immediately, ask them a bunch of personal questions first.

* No matter who you message or email, never introduce yourself.

* No matter who you message or email, provide as little contact information as possible. None is best.

* No matter who you message or email, never address them by name, say anything about them or acknowledge them in any way. Make it all about you.

* As soon as you become friends with someone or start following them, message them and ask for favors. Sample favors include asking them to look at your art, read your artist statement, visit your website, buy your art, sell your art, look at your social media pages, tell you what they think of your art, ask for names and contact information of galleries or collectors or curators or other fine art professionals so that you can ask them for favors too.

* No matter who you message or email, act like you're too busy to bother. Make sure it's one sentence or less, use bad grammar, misspelled words, and no punctuation.

* As soon as someone accepts your friend or contact request, immediately email a bunch of images or links to your art with no other information.

* If someone replies to your message, but doesn't give you what you're asking for, never respond back, not even with something as simple as, "Thanks for looking."

* Randomly email or message people with images, announcements, links to videos, and whatever else you feel like sending, whether they have anything to do with art or not. Never include any reasons or explanations about why you are sending them.

* If someone replies back to your email or message that they can help you but charge a fee for whatever you help are looking for, reply back with an insulting or angry response.

***

If you're interested in consulting on any aspect of your art or art career including a review and recommendations on your social media profile, you're more than welcome to call me at 415.931.7875 or email alanbamberger@me.com.

(art by Judy Chicago)